Women often (unconsciously) default to traditional gender stereotypes when they think about themselves and their abilities. The problem with relying on such stereotypes is that these stereotypes unnecessarily limit a woman’s career choices and restrict her advancement opportunities. One of the most career-damaging stereotypes is that a woman should be modest. If you hold this stereotype, you are likely to believe that simply because you are a woman, you should be unassuming, self-effacing, and reluctant to put yourself forward. And if you believe this, you will also believe that modesty and success in your career are perfectly compatible; if you just work hard enough and turn out high enough quality work, your performance will be recognized and you will be compensated and promoted fairly and appropriately. Unfortunately, most workplaces are not meritocracies. You cannot just sit at your desk, do good work, and expect to advance in your career at the pace you want to. To move up, you need to be noticed as being competent, confident, and capable of managing tasks and situations typically handled by people who are senior to you. To be noticed in this way, you need to promote yourself, advertise your abilities and accomplishments, and actively shape the impressions others have of you.

In other words, you need to get out from behind the veil of modesty. Since you were a little girl, you have probably been told not to be boastful, self-assertive, or prideful. You have probably also been told to be reserved, respectful, and “ladylike.” As a result, you may be reluctant to raise your hand, strongly compete for career-enhancing opportunities, or forcefully advocate for yourself. And, you are hardly alone if you behave in this way. A recent study found that over half of working women believe they are overlooked for promotions because they are too modest, too reluctant to be clear and direct about their qualifications, and too concerned about being seen as arrogant, conceited, or aggressive.

When you stay behind a modesty veil, you are likely to be seen as pleasant, warm, and likable — but not proactive, talented, or ready for leadership. Business and professional leaders come in a variety of flavors, but one of them is not modest. To escape the modesty veil in which so many women become entangled, you need to give yourself permission to advocate for yourself: You need to do for yourself what Google did for its women employees.

To move up at Google, its employees need to nominate themselves for a promotion. When Google reviewed its promotion record a few years ago, it found that women were nominating themselves far less frequently than were the men, and that men were being promoted far more frequently than were the women. The women felt that nominating themselves would damage their relationships with their colleagues by making them appear immodest, disagreeable, and pushy. To overcome this, Google began a campaign to let women know they were expected to advocate for themselves, that doing so was appropriate and necessary, and that no one would think badly of them for doing so. In a short time, the gender differences in nominations for promotion disappeared.

If you are uncomfortable with self-promotion, start with some small steps. The next time someone tells you that you did a great job on a project you worked hard to complete, don’t say, “Oh, it was nothing” or “I got a lot of help.” Instead, say, “Thanks. It was a lot of work,” or “Thanks, your recognition makes my effort doubly worthwhile.” You don’t want to wallow in the compliments you receive, but you don’t want to brush them off either. Proudly accept acknowledgements of your contributions. And don’t stop with the small stuff. Your career advancement depends on being noticed as ambitious, competent, and confident. This means, in addition to performing first rate work, you must present your qualifications at appropriate times in a forceful, direct way — while still coming across as warm, inclusive, and socially sensitive. .

But for a woman, this sort of self-promotion — as necessary as it may be fore career advancement — carries the risk of provoking a negative reaction. This is because you are not being modest and unassertive in the way that others stereotypically think women should be. The key to managing this sort of backlash is using what we call “attuned gender communication” — displaying competence and power while also being perceived as pleasant and inclusive. Mastering the art of attuned gender communication is a subject we will be writing a good deal about in the near future.